A Thought, However Scary
by ThyDeviousViolet
Summary: The weight of the world is too much for one man. But, if it's up to Ellie, she's more than willing to help him carry his burdens. (Part of "The Women" series)


_Inspired entirely by Hozier's song "Like Real People Do". All rights to that wonderful, wonderful man. Please, do yourself a favor and enjoy how damn brilliant his song is...everything he touches is magic._

* * *

 **"I had a thought, dear, however scary,**

 **About that night, the bugs and the dirt.**

 **Why were you digging, what did you bury?**

 **Before those hands pulled me from the Earth?**

 **I will not ask you where you came from,**

 **I will not ask and neither should you.**

 **Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips,**

 **We should just kiss like real people do..."**

 **-Hozier**

Ellie had been gazing out the window, waiting for sleep that would not find her no matter how hard she tried.

Immediately, Joel shot up, gasping for air. It didn't surprise her, at least not really. Joel's nightmares were nothing new, and she had her fair share as well. In their time together, she'd learned not to ask; once his dreamy mind processed reality, he would always sigh, before going back to sleep.

In bed, she tensed, and waited for him to relax again. The steady rise and fall of his chest always soothed her, and yet, this time, something was different. His breaths were more rapid and shaky, before they began to get more unstable. She listened more intently, but dared not move.

 _Joel, what the fuck?_

After a few moments, it suddenly clicked: he was sobbing, deeply, uncontrollably, and, what was most scary, silently. The sobs started to wreck his body, and his chest heaved enough that the bed began to move. It was not the kind of sob that resonated with pathetic sadness, however; it was much worse. Something about it was agonized, and she could almost envision his face twisted next to her in absolute suffering.

Ellie lay next to him, horrified. If she acknowledged it, he would no doubt push her away. There were things she had learned to accept from him without question, just as he had with her, and her being careful with his emotions had been rule number one since she'd really gotten to know him better.

What could it be now? He'd never shared his nightmares, but sometimes she could pinpoint the topic without him having to tell her (there were a fucking slew of them, too much for one person to carry for a lifetime). But, she'd become great at that, actually; completely reading into him without him having to say anything. It was something she never wanted to take for granted.

Whenever she wanted to prompt him on his misery, she realized that to make him relive more of the past, as though he owed her an explanation, was unacceptable. It's not like he'd ever asked her to do anything that was against her character.

Still, though, it made her feel sick to her stomach to feel him so alone next to her, and feel so unable to do anything about it. He had been so broken since she'd known him. Well, of course, she knew why, but it was the unfairness of it all never made sense to her. He hadn't deserved any of this; rather, life had chosen to consistently ruin him, and he carried the weight of every struggle on his back, never trying to ease his own burden.

As she continued to talk herself out of acknowledging him for his own sake, anxiety grew inside her. Whatever had made him upset, had really gotten to him this time. She'd seen him tear up once or twice, but that was the extent of his emotional showcase. The response next to her was far beyond anything she'd ever trained for with Joel.

She so badly wanted to be a perfect partner, able to make it all better, but was so unsure.

A few minutes in, however, she threw all caution to the wind and turned to him, and was already crying as well.

"Joel..." she cooed pitifully, and placed her hand on his shoulder.

He jumped at the movement, and his breath caught in his throat, before he went completely silent and motionless next to her, having been caught. The moonlight that came through their window was just enough for her to see the tears streaked down his haggard face. His expression was almost stoic, if it weren't from the subtle tense of his jaw, and the absolute look of horror in his eyes that he'd been caught.

After a few more moments of silence, she swallowed hard, throat feeling thick and heavy.

"...c'mon, I know you hear me," she scolded, but the tearfulness in her voice made it sound like a plea.

A plea for him to open up to her, and give her more, so that she could give more in return.

He could feel himself blush, body on fire, and hated every fiber of his being for the moment. He thought that maybe after more silence, she would leave him be, and they could forget any of this had happened at all.

Naturally, this was not the case.

The uneasiness in the pit of her stomach disappeared: the outline of his jaw was clenched so tightly, amidst the light and the shadows, that she felt it was unfair for both of them to pretend he was okay. This game of avoidance between them was enough, it had always been enough, but she'd always been too afraid to ask or demand for more. Now, however, she felt so compelled to make him feel that she did not care how he might resist.

She knew him well enough to know that, by now, no matter how scary the situation, he'd never resent her. It was now her responsibility to save him. And, truth be told, no one had ever tried to save him before.

Maybe, deep down, he'd always wanted someone stubborn enough like her to permeate his own barrier.

"Joel, please," she gasped.

In a moment he'd never forget, right as he moved to flinch away, she gently grabbed his arm, sat up in bed, and took his face in her hands. In the light, she could see him swallow hard, but he refused to make direct eye contact.

Then, his lip trembled, and something about it showed a vulnerability that completely broke her heart.

She stared at him for a long time in silence, her thumbs against his cheekbones, as he struggled to keep it together. The expression on his faced was pained beyond belief, like it took every ounce of what he had to keep it together. At some point, her breath caught in her throat, too choked up to sit in silence anymore. She thought of something, anything, to say, but as she formulated, he took a deep breath.

"...stop," he finally choked, as hot tears began to fall from his eyes again, but his face remained unmoving.

He was a man of stone, like always.

For a fleeting second, she almost demanded him to speak again, but realized the moment required a certain tenderness that she'd never used before. Instead of asking more from him, she simply watched him, and it seemed to have the effect she wanted. His feeble struggle to move away from her started to cease, and as he began to breathe raggedly, his tears came back full force. It made her so uncomfortable to watch him cry: it wast his furrowed brow, or his tense jaw, but it was the way that he ultimately looked like he was suffocating.

When she cried hard, her face would twist and she would gasp for air. Joel, however, was almost paralyzed by his sadness. It solidifed the struggle and loss that he'd experienced for most of his life. Even this broken, he was doing his damnedest to keep it together. It was almost like he didn't even know how to lose himself anymore; she suspected that, after all those years of grief, he'd either tired of it or had simply fallen so deep into it that typical expression was no longer a possibility.

She watched him intently, as tears formed in her eyes as well.

"I'm not gonna ask you anything. I'm just gonna let you be, okay?" she soothed, and it seemed to be just what he needed to hear.

 _You can't keep me away, Joel. I'm not going anywhere. I'm never, ever fucking going to go anywhere._

There was an empathy there that he had never felt before. Though still a struggle, he admitted to himself that he'd never felt this, at least not really. The idea of a real intimacy for the first time in life, this late, moved him even more, and he started to cry harder. I don't deserve you.

Somehow, it was like she read his mind. The way his face morphed ever so slightly, the way his eyebrows tugged upward as the sides of his mouth twitched... self-loathing was evident. Suddenly, she was furious, and may have even looked the part, had she not been crying so damn hard.

"No, don't you do that. Don't you fucking think bad things about yourself. I know that look, and I fucking hate it. You're too special for that, okay?" she gasped, almost blubbering like a maniac, and almost embarrassed herself, had she not been so convinced that he needed to hear it.

As the words ran out of her mouth, his eyes suddenly went wide, and it looked like he had stopped breathing for a moment. Admittedly, she did not know how to evaluate this expression. Whether it was anger or apathy, she knew not.

Then, however, it happened: a tiny, almost inaudible whimper vibrated against his gritted teeth.

Yes, she correctly understood it to be something associated with sadness and distress, but what she didn't know, was that her demand broke him in half. It made him feel weak, but the fact that she refused to feel pity, and chose a more passionate response to get angry over his own wellbeing, moved him deeply. Yes, he'd always known she'd cared for him, loved him even, but to that degree? The fact that his own emotional bullshit was enough to take her down as well?

He needed to be better for her; she wanted him to be better for himself.

No one had ever fucking made him feel that way before. No one had ever loved him that way...not ever.

It felt like the tender little cords in his heart had tightened in his chest. Somehow, it was the act that sent him over the edge. Quick, deep breaths escaped his lips, chest heaving up and down, and she would have thought he was hyperventilating had it lasted any longer.

But, after a few seconds of that, it seemed to be enough for him. After a lifetime of not showing emotion well, it seemed like he had purged himself effectively, and had gotten control again.

When he stopped resisting all together, limp and lifeless like a newborn calf, she gently let him go, before she lay down next to him again, and rubbed his arms softly.

After a long time of focused breathing, he finally seemed placated, and reluctantly rolled over to face her head on. Ellie blinked slowly, and reached out to wipe the moisture from the creases of his eyes. Jaw clenched as a normal response, he told himself to loosen up, and did his best. The way he openly allowed her to show such an expression of comfort, against his initial drawback, was far beyond anything either of them expected.

They stared into each other for a long time.

She wondered how long he'd lived his life without her, and wondered who had been there to take his pain away. Do I even take his pain away? As soon as she thought it, however, she realized the pitiful answer was no one. Not even Tess had allowed him to get vulnerable when he most needed it, and that was probably why they had been together so long. Tess forced him to remove himself from himself, and act rationally as a means of survival. It was just as he'd done for the years without her, but she had always been tougher than he was to an extent. It was the only reason he'd ever come to love her so much.

Ellie wondered then, how she could ever compare. She hadn't seen nearly enough, or lost enough, in her life to even come close to empathizing with the ruined man next to her. And, yet, her desire and genuine need to comfort him made him feel a spark of humanity that he'd lost at least 25 years ago.

No, she might not understand everything about his life before, but for the first time, someone had placed his needs before their own.

Somehow, he'd gone an entire lifetime without experiencing this sort of common human decency: an absolute unselfishness.

As much as she had longed to know the man who existed before the outbreak, she realized that that man had not been the one to change her life. Though it was a pity he'd been ruined, she had easily come to love the evolved, hardened product, risen out of the ashes. After all, she didn't know him any other way. She just hoped she could give him what he needed with the man he was now.

Had he known how little she thought of herself, in regard to the effect she had on him, he could have fumed. Joel gave her all the credit in the world; her age and inexperience didn't matter in the slightest. What was someone's life before, anyway? She knew more suffering than most her age, not that it made a person mature, but as much as it hurt him to think about her utter lack of a decent childhood, he realized it didn't matter.

They were together, now, and, if it was up to him, would stay that way until he finally took his last breath.

Just as she was almost sure she'd failed him, he grazed his thumb against her soft cheek, and the expression on his face changed. She blinked hard, unsure of the change in him, before she saw a need for more in his eyes. Slowly, she leaned forward, felt the coarse hair of his beard tickle her lips, and held her forehead against his. A small, guttural moan escaped his lips, before they gradually began to synch with her own. Their mouths together moved slow, and hard, and deep.

Suddenly, none of it fucking mattered anymore. It was like a temporary boost to his self-esteem, and the loathing stopped, even if the moment was fleeting. He just wanted to enjoy the rush of the thrill, and the taste of how fucking delicious her mouth felt inside his; he refused to be sad anymore. It was like a hunger, or a thirst, and if he didn't get enough of her, he was sure to fall apart again. That's how it used to be when he was young, right? Back when he'd been carefree and unafraid to love something. It wasn't healthy to place all bets on one person, but before he scared himself again, he recalled that she'd been his only reason living for years now.

A slow, hot throb moved through both of their beings. The arousal began to catch up with them, before she suddenly lunged toward him with a hungry aggression, but then he pulled away and froze, eyes assessing every inch of her face.

For a moment, absolute embarrassment colored her features. Before she could let it settle, however, Joel sighed in exasperation. _Look what you've done._

Hearing him sigh, she paused on queue, unable to think clearly until he explained.

"No...it..it ain't you. I...I just wanna enjoy you like this..." he tried to explain, and she nodded slowly.

All the years he'd spent alone, he'd have to start slow with kissing. To him, it was an art unappreciated. It helped him make himself vulnerable, and he purposely made the decision, especially now with Ellie. Sex was more casual for him, because that's how he and Tess had done things for years. Of course, he'd loved her, but they saved kissing for especially tender moments, which were far and few between.

He'd forgotten what it could really be like...

After a moment of hesitation, their mouths met again, and his tongue began to move further down her throat. It was a deep, and oddly heavy sensation, but it was a depth she'd never before experienced. As his hands moved through her hair, and as the need grew between them, she suddenly clutched him, lips pressed to his ear.

The need to say something...say it...blares itself so boldly that she holds her tongue for a moment to preserve clarity.

His eyes search in the dark frantically, as he was not sure what was going through her mind, before her mouth parted a little. The warm tingle of her mouth feels like heaven.

"...Joel, I...I lov-"

Suddenly, he's on fire.

He interrupts her before she can finish.

"-Shhh, shh, sh...I know, baby, I know..." he suddenly purred, and clutched her tighter, voice thick with something she can't quite put her finger on. _Not like this darlin'...please...let me make it more special for you._

Ellie paused and thought to herself, almost hurt. _Did he just...reject me?_

He knows what she wanted to say was true, and he felt the same, but he so badly wanted to be able to give himself to her in a proper way. He doesn't want her to waste the admittance on a night full of tears. More than anything, he wants her to experience a tiny part of a normal life, back before everything went to shit. Back when loving someone meant that their emotional baggage was limited. He struggled for so long, hoping she'd go for someone younger, in fear that he couldn't provide her with a sense of novelty.

However, he couldn't deny it anymore. There was no point.

Suddenly, however, she relaxed, and understood it all. Some of it was for her benefit, but most of it was for his own, too. And, she was more than okay with that.

It clicked to her: it was the first time she'd ever experienced Joel react in a direct response to fear. He was tough as nails, with a brutality that made most hunters pale in comparison, and yet for him to swallow her attempt at using the word... _that_ word...filled him with terror. It wasn't that he didn't feel that same; no, it was just that he needed to take time to process it all. After having gone that long without ever admitting emotion, it only seemed logical. Once she realized it, not only was she not offended, but she was honored.

He had accepted her revelation in the only way he currently knew how to do it.

Joel felt like it was his job to make sure he went about giving her what she needed in a way that didn't cheapen the moments. He may have thought he was old and dried up, and have lived an entire life without her, but it also meant he would do his damnedest to ensure that she would not have to struggle as he did.

And, truth be told, it was the first time he'd confronted his building feelings head-on.

He was terrified beyond belief to have a true intimacy with someone, but before she could feel upset or cheapened, she realized that this was the way she had chosen to accept him, even from the beginning. He was broken before he'd met her, and was still broken now, but she was slowly picking up the pieces. That was what it had always been about, and she would wait patiently, for as long as it fucking took.

She didn't care how long, but she was going to piece the man in front of her back together again, for the both of them.

As if he'd read her thoughts, Joel nodded to himself and swallowed hard, before Ellie moved to cradle his head against her chest.

"Thank you..." he whispered, so quiet it almost went unnoticed.


End file.
